I Am Back

[Lemming]

At 6 am this morning I had the unique experience of feeling just about the worst pain a human being is capable of feeling.

Doc had a baby?!

I could not do that this morning when the balloon in my lung got inflated.

(down) Oh.

I went completely blind from the pain.

I had gas that did that once. It only lasted a second, though.

I survived the surgery but the events of this morning has taken the wind from my sails.

*gasp* And it hath robbed thy sentences of subject-verb agreement ("events ... have"). Woe! Surgery hath slain thy grammar and left it in some terrific biohazardous wastegarbage containaster. But fear not, such is held not against a wounded man. Nay, nay, for the spirits of all wounded comrades I sing:

Originally retrieved by Google:
[b]Bright Side of Life from Monty Python's "Life of Brian"

Always look on the bright side of life.
    whistling
Always look on the light side of life.
    whistling

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
    whistling
Always look on the right side of life,
    whistling

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...

Always look on the bright side of death,
    whistling
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
    whistling

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
    whistling
Always look on the right side of life.
    whistling
Always look on the bright side of life!
    whistling
Always look on the bright side of life!
    whistling
Always look on the bright side of life!
    whistling
Always look on the bright side of life!
    whistling
Always look on the bright side of life!
    whistling
Always look on the bright side of life!
    whistling
Always look on the bright side of life!
    whistling
Always look on the bright side of life!
    whistling [/b]

Of course, I jest. If you would have me do other, speak now or I'll fornever hold my zane.

Feel better, Doc.

-Lemmy

[Doc]

I just tried. I can't muster up enough wind to whistle. What I did do was cause my self enough pain to become light headed, which made the MP quote even funnier somehow. I have always loved that song, and the Galaxy Song.

My nurse is now angry with me and lecturing me about trying to whistle. Well crap I say. What am I to do to make my self feel better? Keep mashing out bad grammar with my fumble fingered 20 miles away hands? I can't muster up enough wind to blow raspberries at the nurse either, much to my dismay. My wife is off picking me flowers and I just woke up from my drug induced slumber and I am already bored.

Before my nap, I had the distinct pleasure of sneezing. I believe I would rather be flogged, dragged through the streets, and crucified before I do that any time soon. Sneezing is bad. Should I ever get the hiccups, I shall most likely terminate my experience on this ball of rock. Farting is a fairly interesting experience because of the shift of pressure going on in the body. I shall have to try building up a decent fart and see if I can somehow use it as a weapon against the nurse.

My ass is sore from laying on it. I have never been a bed person. I like a good comfortable chair. Like my leather chair at my puter or my big leather Lazy Boy. Better to sit in, better to sleep in. Laying like this is killing my spine. All this money for a slightly better then average hospital bed and don't you know, it's like laying on a plank.

Have to get an artery stick in a moment. Ew. Imagine a needle the size of a #2 pencil lead being jammed down into your arm, deep down, into the meat and bone, down to the artery. Are we having fun yet? And damnit, they must keep those needles in the freezer because that nasty spear of metal is always freezing fricking cold down deep in the meat of your arm. Cold metal deep inside body = bad.

I bought a bed with a warmer for bed pans. This could be worse I reckon.

[WarBlade]

Originally posted by Doc@May 14 2004, 07:35 AM
Farting is a fairly interesting experience because of the shift of pressure going on in the body. I shall have to try building up a decent fart and see if I can somehow use it as a weapon against the nurse.

That's great man. Let us know how you get on with that. It's always goood to have a hobby to keep the boredom at bay. ^_^

I have this killer recipe for fart generation that comes around every once in a while indulging in smørrebrød evenings (that's a danish open-faced sandwich piled high with dinner basically). My trick is to overdo the marinated herring near the start and the liver patte later on, with the whole mess getting washed down periodically by Ålbord Akvavit (about 45% proof made from potatoes with a carroway seed flavour added). The result is what I call my "Ninja Fart."

The Ninja Fart is silent and deadly. It sort of slides out my arse without even a whisper and begins to hunt with deadly efficiency in a way that has to be smelled to be believed. It has a spooky capacity to linger in the dark corners of a room, only to leap out on the unsuspecting and even minutes after being released into the world.

Being sealed in a small room with a long series of Ninja Farts while asleep is not so bad, it's more the getting up, going to the toilet and trying to get back into bed that's tricky. After leaving the toilet I find I invariably reach the bedroom, take two steps in and then my feet just take two steps back out again without much concious encouragement. So if you ever see a skinny naked white guy standing at a bedroom door in the middle of the night wrenching said door back and forth like a giant fan, take my advice, grab your nose, shut your mouth and just move with great urgency away from the scene, because a Ninja Fart might be nearby and is something to be feared and respected.


Sadly, the Ninja Fart may not be the best weapon option in your current condition seeing as the poo that accompanies it is itself a somewhat fearsome experience in biological warfare. What you need is something 'inflatey' at the very lowest end of the plumbing. Something that can be retained for a short while for the most opportune moment. Something that will inspire a decent rasberry to let your enemy know she is under attack and yet won't destroy what remaining lung capacity you still have.

Onions!

Specifically, the onion festooned frikadeller is a danish meatball, where you mix ground beef, egg, rolled oats and plenty of onion into a ball that then goes in the frying pan to generate a decidedly delicious concoction with a couple of decidedly delicious after effects. The burbs are rare and very tastey when they happen, but the farts are something else. They come out in a throaty roar that's rather like a dog who's bark it worse than it's bite. It's a very satisfactory fart, not hard on the nose, easy to release and nice and loud in letting everyone know that you're the culprit. Practice an orangutan grin to accompany a frikadeller fart and you'll have everyone's attention. ^_^

[Drasca]

Originally posted by Doc@May 13 2004, 03:35 PM
I can't muster up enough wind to blow raspberries at the nurse either, much to my dismay.

Farting is a fairly interesting experience because of the shift of pressure going on in the body. I shall have to try building up a decent fart and see if I can somehow use it as a weapon against the nurse.

Seems like you can take everything, but you can't take take Doc's sense of humour! You're a real gas. Glad you're around.